I’ve had an onslaught of terrible dating experiences in the last year (including someone who turned out to be a drug dealer, someone who was mad I didn’t want to come hang out at his bedbug-infested apartment, and a commitment-phobe friend who constantly appears to be doing an uncanny Jekyll and Hyde impression). (Wow.) There’s no end to what I could write about my experiences on Match.com, and I’ve only been on the site for a week.

they rarely check off “athletic and toned.” But you want someone who does these adventure sports and plays sports too and works out every day? And how are you going to find someone who is career-driven and is family-oriented and is beautiful who also has time to play sports as an adult and like hike around all the time and wrestle alligators? I do know girls who do that kind of stuff, but believe me most of them do not meet all these other criteria, including having the hot model appearance you desire. I don’t think you want this type of girl, if she even exists, because then she’d be too intimidating and you’d feel like she was overshadowing you and better than you at the things you do, and lord knows that would be a problem. (To work on that tan you demand, obviously.) Or pick, say, two of the major things you’re looking for.

Like, she has to be adventurous and beautiful, but it’s okay if she’s a waitress.

If you actually listened to his advice, you'd realize that the intelligent, honest, big-dicked man of your dreams is right in front of you.

Unfortunately for him, you never will because why would anyone ever take their guy friend's advice about dating?

After you guys hang out, he makes a point to walk with you to the farthest point he can accompany you to, because he doesn't want to say goodbye.

Also he's probably hoping he will finally make a move, but he won't.

For these guys, being in the friend zone is like when you go to a party where and there's no more alcohol left, just sober people playing Apples to Apples—you want to GTFO as quickly as possible.

In order to spare the men in your life this turmoil (because men have it Even your besties aren't always free when you are.

If your guy friend is always available, he's def bailing on other plans just so he can reply "nm what are you up to" when you ask him what he's doing.